The bigger picture...
Sometimes it is so easy for us to sit back and see other parents do things that aren't smart or helpful, and it seems so obvious as an observer even though it's so easy to miss when you are the parent in question and caught in the moment. I am sure people observe that about me all the time, despite my best efforts!
Often I watch my husband try to work through something with our elementary schooler in a way where he has laser focus on one thing and I think to myself, "you are going to win the battle and lose the war." That's probably a poor analogy since really he and she are on the same team, but you get the point - sometimes the bigger picture gets lost as we focus in on one specific thing.
This morning for some reason our daughter woke up so angry, yelling at me, "you are not helpful! Nothing you do is helpful. Don't you realize you aren't helping me?" This could have been triggered by a lot of things- she's facing some pretty significant medical issues right now and sometimes the physical and emotional pain that causes shows up in unusual ways.
I was so triggered by her words though. Everything I'd done all morning was to try to help her- dealing with her itchy skin, the unexpected cold weather, changing her mind about the pants she was planning to wear, and so on, all the while juggling her baby brother who was just waking up and feeling hungry and needy himself. I wanted to scream back in defense of myself. Or to at least throw out some fast consequences for her screaming which is not acceptable behavior.
But the Holy Spirit reminded me that retaliation, threats, and acting like a 6 year old myself would be less than helpful. Fair, maybe (and there's a place for consequences, especially natural and logical ones) but not smart or helpful. If I engaged in a power struggle and tried to deal with her misplaced mad while she was mad, we would have a train wreck on our hands while she got more and more angry... and not make it to school on time. I reminded myself that no matter how exhausted I felt, it would be more exhausting to listen to screaming for hours if I triggered whatever was going on with her further by trying to convince her I was right and she was wrong and she was acting unacceptably.
That said, it didn't mean I ignored the screaming or pretended it was okay. All of my responses were in a kind, calm voice, moving toward peacemaking not escalating, but still communicating, "We don't yell at people even if we are angry with them. You can tell me the same information in a kind way next time."
I think that "next time" is a key phrase there. It lets us teach in the moment and not let mean behavior go unchecked, but also lets us avoid the power struggle by not trying to change what is happening at the time, which more often than not is entirely unsuccessful. I used to say, "you need to say that differently first before I will honor your request" religiously, every time if there was a mean or rude request. I still do often, but am learning the wisdom of when to say "next time" instead of require it this time. It's especially wise and helpful if I'm on a time crunch and it's more helpful to me to move forward than to wait whatever length of time would be needed for her to do it the other way (and usually I have a sense based on her mood and how triggered she is of whether that would be a short amount of time, or a very long one because her brain is just not in the place to get there quickly, for whatever reason.)
There is no perfect "strategy" but there is a ton of value in being strategic and intentional. If I can move away from my "fight or flight" brain and into my thinking one, I can make an intentional decision whether to engage in trying to change the behavior in the moment (and "defend" myself verbally) or whether to let the meltdown pass, coach a little bit about what I expect next time, and address it later in the day when her brain is in a better place to process what has happened, reflect on right and wrong, take responsibility and try to fix it. I'm learning what is most helpful, both in the moment and later, and finding more peace because of it!
Often I watch my husband try to work through something with our elementary schooler in a way where he has laser focus on one thing and I think to myself, "you are going to win the battle and lose the war." That's probably a poor analogy since really he and she are on the same team, but you get the point - sometimes the bigger picture gets lost as we focus in on one specific thing.
This morning for some reason our daughter woke up so angry, yelling at me, "you are not helpful! Nothing you do is helpful. Don't you realize you aren't helping me?" This could have been triggered by a lot of things- she's facing some pretty significant medical issues right now and sometimes the physical and emotional pain that causes shows up in unusual ways.
I was so triggered by her words though. Everything I'd done all morning was to try to help her- dealing with her itchy skin, the unexpected cold weather, changing her mind about the pants she was planning to wear, and so on, all the while juggling her baby brother who was just waking up and feeling hungry and needy himself. I wanted to scream back in defense of myself. Or to at least throw out some fast consequences for her screaming which is not acceptable behavior.
But the Holy Spirit reminded me that retaliation, threats, and acting like a 6 year old myself would be less than helpful. Fair, maybe (and there's a place for consequences, especially natural and logical ones) but not smart or helpful. If I engaged in a power struggle and tried to deal with her misplaced mad while she was mad, we would have a train wreck on our hands while she got more and more angry... and not make it to school on time. I reminded myself that no matter how exhausted I felt, it would be more exhausting to listen to screaming for hours if I triggered whatever was going on with her further by trying to convince her I was right and she was wrong and she was acting unacceptably.
That said, it didn't mean I ignored the screaming or pretended it was okay. All of my responses were in a kind, calm voice, moving toward peacemaking not escalating, but still communicating, "We don't yell at people even if we are angry with them. You can tell me the same information in a kind way next time."
I think that "next time" is a key phrase there. It lets us teach in the moment and not let mean behavior go unchecked, but also lets us avoid the power struggle by not trying to change what is happening at the time, which more often than not is entirely unsuccessful. I used to say, "you need to say that differently first before I will honor your request" religiously, every time if there was a mean or rude request. I still do often, but am learning the wisdom of when to say "next time" instead of require it this time. It's especially wise and helpful if I'm on a time crunch and it's more helpful to me to move forward than to wait whatever length of time would be needed for her to do it the other way (and usually I have a sense based on her mood and how triggered she is of whether that would be a short amount of time, or a very long one because her brain is just not in the place to get there quickly, for whatever reason.)
There is no perfect "strategy" but there is a ton of value in being strategic and intentional. If I can move away from my "fight or flight" brain and into my thinking one, I can make an intentional decision whether to engage in trying to change the behavior in the moment (and "defend" myself verbally) or whether to let the meltdown pass, coach a little bit about what I expect next time, and address it later in the day when her brain is in a better place to process what has happened, reflect on right and wrong, take responsibility and try to fix it. I'm learning what is most helpful, both in the moment and later, and finding more peace because of it!
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