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Showing posts from 2017

Affirming our kids

A friend texted me thank you for writing her daughter an affirming note at church last week, saying she is trying to get better at that herself. I wrote back: "Lol because I am working on the same thing! That's why it was fresh on my mind to write them to the girls! I almost never affirm ours for doing the right things and always focus on the wrong!!! I made a little progress with it last week but have a long way to go still to remember to do it. We'll have to encourage and remind each other to improve!" I.am.so.bad.at.this. I'm better when I'm around other people (one of my friends says we parent better when we are around other healthy parents and I wholeheartedly agree- we pick up on their language, actions and approach and tend to repeat it) but do not prioritize this highly enough when I'm not. I want to work on this, and am so thankful my friend noticed that I'm trying and now can hold me accountable!

Friends who are strong where we are weak

Ever since I learned how dangerous coats in car seats are, I've wanted our son to have a car seat poncho. I got quotes on them from some out of town friends for upwards of $50, so when I saw a cute winter blanket on sale at Target for $3, I decided to take matters into my own hands...:) I bought said small blanket, cut a slit in it that was the right size for a baby head, and began using it that same day as a car seat poncho. It was adorable, though amateur-ish at best, and probably not likely to last a long time, but accomplished its purpose for the time being. One of the friends I admire most joined us for a small family birthday celebration recently, and when she walked in, her son was wearing a very cool, perfectly made poncho. Clearly she can sew and I cannot :). I raved and raved over it and laughed for quite a while at the contrast between it and my own homemade poncho. You can imagine my surprise when my son then at that same party opened up a poncho she made just for

Honestly, I think I threw the baby out with the bathwater...

Where are we trying to let go of one thing, but ending up letting go of some other things we wanted to keep? Honestly, I think I threw the baby out with the bathwater...

Honestly, is being a working mom keeping me from being available?

Today's podcast looks at a question many of us ask from time to time! Spoiler alert: No! I think you will find this post encouraging :) Honestly, is being a working mom keeping me from being available?

Honestly, is it worth the effort?

Honestly, is it worth the effort?

Honestly, moms are really good at springing into action...

Honestly, moms are really good at springing into action...

Honestly, this is not what I thought it was

Today we look at how to notice the wolves in sheep's clothing in our lives and guard against false teaching and falling prey to bad advice. Honestly, this is not what I thought it was

Q & A: What are appropriate limits on technology?

Today's podcast looks at how technology impacts the lives of our children, but not in the way you'd expect... Q & A: What are appropriate limits on technology?

Honestly, I think I just won the battle and lost the war...

Today's podcast looks at BOUNDARIES... and where we sometimes can unintentionally miss the mark with them. Honestly, I think I just won the battle and lost the war...

Honestly, maybe God's extravagant love is the answer after all...

Today's podcast reminds us that the love of God is truly an upside down kingdom, not what we'd expect, deserve or have without Jesus... Honestly, maybe God's extravagant love is the answer after all...

Honestly, I think my impatience is the biggest problem in our family...

Sometimes my kids seem so impulsive or demanding... and I know this isn't the normal version of them, because they have such kind hearts and really work hard to be polite. When I go to gently correct them, I suddenly realize that the exact phrases they've been using are direct replicas of things they heard me say....and that they are mimicking my impatience. Hence today's podcast: Honestly, I think my impatience is the biggest problem in our family...

Honestly, "how can I help?!?" (on modeling and meeting needs...)

The words "let me model it for you and then I'll come help you" spoke deeply to me this week as an adult... I wonder how they might impact our kids if we tried them there? Check out today's podcast on modeling and meeting needs: Honestly, "how can I help?!?"

Honestly, could I get a little better at expressing gratitude?

Today's podcast explores my heart as a mom and a wife and what gets in the way of my goal to be more grateful. Honestly, could I get a little better at expressing gratitude?

Q & A: Should we give second chances or do-overs to our kids?

Today's podcast looks at whether second chances are helpful or counterproductive, and if do-overs or earn-backs should ever be a part of our parenting toolboxes. Honestly, how much is enough here?

Q & A: What if one parent wants to use punishment and the other doesn't think it's wise?

Today's podcast looks at an important question that could make a long-term impact on our kids: What if one parent wants to use punishment and the other doesn't think it's wise?

Honestly, am I the one carrying this all? (Q & A: Can one spouse singlehandedly save a marriage?)

Today's podcast looks specifically at marriage - can one spouse save it if the other spouse continues to be apathetic or try to stay disengaged? Honestly, am I the one carrying this all?

Q & A: How can I help my spouse stay engaged in the conversation if we disagree about parenting?

We continue to get a lot of questions about how to navigate if co-parents have different ideas about parenting. Today we explore the problem of what to do if one spouse doesn't want to stay engaged in the conversation to find alignment. Q & A: How can I help my spouse stay engaged in the conversation if we disagree about parenting?

Honestly, I think I just want to quit the game... (Q & A about what to do when the conversation gets tough about how to co-parent.)

We've talked about trying to stay on the same team...what about when it's hard to stay in the game at all? Honestly, I think I just want to quit...

Q & A: What if my partner doesn't have the same vision for parenting?

This might be the question we parenting educators get most often! Join us for today's podcast: What if my partner doesn't have the same vision for parenting?
Check out our newest podcast: Honestly, Thanks for the Gentle Reminder... Who in your life is good at giving you gentle reminders? How do these impact you?

Who are your balcony people?

At our wedding, one of the pastors did a beautiful homily about being each other's balcony people, and cheering each other on. As we grow in marriage, this has ebbed and flowed, and I think we are in a season right now where we are doing it well. As I reflect on my parenting today, I realize that in addition to my spouse, I also have several family members who are balcony people. The affirm, validate, encourage, and motivate me to be better. As I patiently rode out one very long and intense tantrum a few months ago, my younger brother encouraged me later "I couldn't believe you kept your calm. You did a great job" and I was in shock, because I felt like everyone must be thinking I should be doing a better job. I also have wonderful friends who are balcony people. They've cheered me on through infertility, miscarriage, adoption, failed adoptions, moving, new jobs, illness, and so much more. I am confident that the way I handled each of those situations was dram

The Worst Tantrum in Our House this Week was Mine :(

"I've been walking around all morning for the kids. It is SO the straw that broke the camels back that I just had to walk upstairs for you!" I told him in my loudest voice. "Oh dear..." I recounted to a friend later as I shared the story, "am I really that tired?" I couldn't believe that I had exploded at my husband over the fact that I walked up the stairs to wake him up so that I could get out the door to teach a parenting class. What a great parent indeed...modeling yelling and impatience to my kids just because I was overtired and my husband hadn't gotten downstairs by the time I needed to leave. How embarrassing that I missed the mark in such a giant way. Just one more time that I was exceedingly thankful for grace from both God and my husband- though that doesn't give me an excuse to keep acting that way. What do we do when we are truly that tired though? It's easy for me to look back and laugh at myself and recognize that I ce

Surefootedness...

On the way to school one year my daughter noticed beautiful horses in a field covered with snow.  "Can you ever ride horses in the snow, mom?" I proceeded to tell her about one of my favorite horses of all time, who loved to run in the snow outside.  "There were a few horses I had growing up who I wouldn't have trusted enough to ride them at a gallop outside in the snow - it could be unsafe. But this horse, he was so surefooted, I had him for three years and he never missed a step." He was a jumper, an eventer actually, who taught me to event even though I was quite a novice at me. He got every step and every stride right. In other ways, he was imperfect... he was fast, he liked to pull, he had a mind of his own, etc. But when it came to be surefooted, he was the best. What would it look like for you to be surefooted in this season? In other ways, we may be imperfect. But could our faithfulness and the ground we are standing on in Christ cr

Honestly, do I care more about her bangs than her heart?

When my daughter's medical issues started flaring up and she was in a ton of pain, she cut bangs for herself, asked to donate the hair (she has the best heart even in her worst moments!) and then promptly was horrified at what she had done. (It may have been the worst haircut ever. Think reverse Mohawk.) I have been so worried about her hair.  I'm so embarrassed to tell you that. It feels so vain, but it looks terrible, and at my worst moments I struggle with how it reflects on me, and if it looks like I can't control my kids. Wait a minute?!? "How it reflects on me"? Why in the world is that my focus here? Something is really wrong with her (the physical pain) and the way she looks kind of reflects that right now (she's not herself - I believe subconsciously she didn't want to look like herself because she doesn't feel like herself). And I'm worried about how it reflects on me? That has been a not so welcome glimpse into my own s

Honestly, I could use a little coaching here

I have heard husbands say that to their wives more times than I can count! And sometimes vice versa too. It seems that sometimes we assume the other parent knows exactly what needs to be done in a given situation, but they don't have a clue. And it's not for lack of wanting to know! It's that they simply don't know and no one is telling them! I'm not talking about not knowing how to parent or discipline or teach or guide. Though we all could use a little coaching there (have I told you what a positive experience we had as young parents taking Active Parenting's online course?).  I'm talking about simple, day to day tasks related to the kids or the house or the marriage or even the finances. If we don't know it needs to be done, it's very hard to get it done, even if we have an amazing servant heart. I would say my husband has a particularly strong servant heart - there is nothing he wouldn't do for others. But he has been great at p

My Best Supermom Move is Teaching My Kid to Problem Solve

I have several mom friends who I jokingly refer to as "supermoms" because they ALWAYS go above and beyond. One of them every year blows me away with her Halloween costumes. The whole family will be in matching costumes like Curious George characters straight out of a movie, or a firefighter, truck and Dalmatian combo. And then I will say something like "I can't believe you made all those costumes!" and she will respond with, "I didn't, I found one of them a year ago, borrowed this one from a friend, and only made the third one"...to which, I will respond, "that is even MORE supermom because you didn't spend a ton of time and money on it, and you've been working on it a very long time!" She is convinced she's not actually supermom, but I think she probably is and just forgets to wear her cape. Another friend has kids with food allergies and so we connect a lot about our shared challenges. She handles hers really wis

Staying on the Same Team when the Stakes are High

Have you ever noticed that when the stress gets high, that's when your marriage most likely starts to feel divided? It's more tempting to start looking for fault, stop giving the benefit of the doubt, and speed up the process of making assumptions, sometimes so fast that we forget they are assumptions at all. Lately I've been "trying on" the way around this that author and reseacher Brene Brown seems to have found. I really like the way she uses language like "the story I'm telling myself" when she notices she's slipping into making assumptions about her spouse's thoughts, feelings and actions (even when her assumptions seem pretty directly based on his actions). It seems like this phrase allows her to not only reality check if her assumptions are accurate, but to do it in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. I've occasionally tried to use this same approach in other high stakes settings (like purchasing a car) and have

The 3 Hour Experiment

A little over year ago, when I was reading the book "Hands Free Mama", I decided to try a three hour experiment. I turned off my phone for three hours at a time everyday when I was not at work, to be fully present with my daughter. I was worried that by doing this, I would miss out on a lot of needs that came in by text or email or social media from work, friends or family. But I was wrong! I started timing how long it took me after with my phone off to catch up on what had come in. It took an average of 10 minutes or less to catch up and respond. So all of those days previously where I felt like I absolutely had to keep my phone on that whole time because there were so many things I was needed for, that was actually not the case at all. I don't know if it was my ego that made me feel like I was more important and more needed than I was, or that I liked being distracted, or the sense of immediate gratification I got from seeing something coming in and resp

"I believe you... and we are going to figure this out together"

I think it was author L.R. Knost who coined the phrase "how can I help you?" in the middle of a tantrum or apparent misbehavior. At first that seemed like a strange, or even counterintuitive, response to me. I remember thinking, "are we giving into toddler demands by doing that?" I think that depends on how we look at misbehavior. By studying toddler development, we can see that misbehavior most often comes from a place of a (real or perceived) unmet need. If we can get to the root issue, to the weakness or gap, to the worry or fear, we can most effectively solve it. That doesn't mean "giving into every demand." But it does mean understanding what is underneath it, and making an intentional, informed choice from there. "I won't put my socks on" might seem like defiance or resistance, but a question like "how can I help you?" followed by good listening on my part (probably my biggest parental weakness, other than ma

Let's slow this down...

I realized a few years ago that I hurry everywhere. I have a high energy level, I love being productive, and I think I held the core belief, "why only get one thing done in an hour when I could accomplish three?" While I've learned this can be a tremendous strength, it has a shadow side too. The most obvious place that shows up is when I hurry other people. I remember learning that when our daughter started preschool: rushing there did not help anyone, but building in enough time to take it slow helped the day start out much better. While she is in the midst of some medical issues right now, her need for us to slow down our pace has shown up big time. The other day her school asked for a "quick transition" at dropoff and we later realized this was not the best strategy for her. She needed a moment to catch her breath, gather her courage, and say her goodbyes from a place of trust and feeling secure, rather than one of frenzy or pushing. We've been

Please don't make a molehill out of my mountain

"She's going to be fine!" I told my friend who was worried about her soon-to-be-kindergartener starting next week. "She did so great in preschool, and isn't preschool success correlated with an easier transition to elementary school? She's got this!" Later that day, after I didn't hear anything back, I was reminded of the year my daughter started kindergarten and I reached out to a friend to share how worried I was that she would have a food allergy reaction. "You have nothing to worry about!" said my well-meaning friend. "Schools are so good at allergies these days, and this school seems so confident!" "The doctor said one of the most dangerous things could be if the school is OVERconfident and think they have it covered when they actually don't," I responded. I think my friend thought I was completely overreacting, but I felt so dismissed by her words. As I remembered this, I quickly sent a text ap

God, could you move this mountain?

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I sat across from this mountain (pictured) at a recent meeting with the ministry where I work. The person leading our devotional that evening asked, "what mountain do you wish could be moved in your life?" The thought that immediately came to me was, "our daughter's." She is facing major medical issues right now, and it seems like one after another after another keep piling up on her. The weight of it seems crushing for a tiny 48 pound person who still needs her teacher to help her with her hair on picture day. We are doing everything we can to support her. She's in play therapy to help her process what is going on and the therapist is amazing. My prayer is that with the therapist's help and our support, she w ill build resilience and not be traumatized by all she is facing. But, oh, how much I'd like to see her mountain moved. She has moments that remind me of the version of herself she was before she got all this rotten news and