Honestly, do I care more about her bangs than her heart?

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When my daughter's medical issues started flaring up and she was in a ton of pain, she cut bangs for herself, asked to donate the hair (she has the best heart even in her worst moments!) and then promptly was horrified at what she had done. (It may have been the worst haircut ever. Think reverse Mohawk.)

I have been so worried about her hair. 

I'm so embarrassed to tell you that.

It feels so vain, but it looks terrible, and at my worst moments I struggle with how it reflects on me, and if it looks like I can't control my kids.

Wait a minute?!? "How it reflects on me"? Why in the world is that my focus here? Something is really wrong with her (the physical pain) and the way she looks kind of reflects that right now (she's not herself - I believe subconsciously she didn't want to look like herself because she doesn't feel like herself). And I'm worried about how it reflects on me? That has been a not so welcome glimpse into my own selfishness and ego :(

And I think the worry "it looks like I can't control my kids" is even worse. HORRIBLE parenting decisions have been made over the years by people who desire for others to perceive them as "in control."

Control is really an illusion anyway - we are not in control of much in this world, certainly not other human beings! Who wants to be married to someone controlling? Or work for one? Our kids don't have any choice who parents them, but I'd have to guess they don't want someone with a major intense control problem either! I'm not saying not to be authoritative - I'm all for that (which is different from authoritarian, remember? But also different from permissive.) but the goal with that is not to be controlling. And actually, the more controlling we are of our kids and make decisions for them, often the worse decisionmakers they will be as teenagers and young adults because they have no practice.

They need to practice failing! They even need to practice having regrets (like with the hair. I can promise you she won't be tempted to pick up the scissors and play stylist again anytime soon.). Natural and logical consequences are the very best and most effective ones, and cause a lot more long term learning and impact than purely punitive or unrelated ones.

So, as I reflect on the fact that this week I cared more about her bangs than her heart, I commit to being different next week. Praying for her heart - that it will grow to make good decisions, find peace and comfort in the midst of this painful season, and feel fully loved and accepted by me for who she is. Helping her make better decisions and guiding her for sure, but giving her unconditional love and not looking at her with a frown wondering what others think of me because she has a bad haircut. Here's to asking the Lord to get MY heart to a better place to do that! 

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