"I believe you... and we are going to figure this out together"

I think it was author L.R. Knost who coined the phrase "how can I help you?" in the middle of a tantrum or apparent misbehavior. At first that seemed like a strange, or even counterintuitive, response to me. I remember thinking, "are we giving into toddler demands by doing that?" I think that depends on how we look at misbehavior.

By studying toddler development, we can see that misbehavior most often comes from a place of a (real or perceived) unmet need. If we can get to the root issue, to the weakness or gap, to the worry or fear, we can most effectively solve it. That doesn't mean "giving into every demand." But it does mean understanding what is underneath it, and making an intentional, informed choice from there.

"I won't put my socks on" might seem like defiance or resistance, but a question like "how can I help you?" followed by good listening on my part (probably my biggest parental weakness, other than maybe the fact that I'm terrible at imaginative play!) can change the game. (Side note: Game is the wrong word there because I don't think it's something that needs to have a winner or loser, though you can see how much my own core beliefs still need to shift to really get better at this - power struggles are infused even in my language, that I need to let go of. I'm trying to submit my tight grip on that (and perceived need for control) to the Lord on a daily basis).

So how does it change the game dynamic? In two ways.

1) It is so surprising, so offputting, to the child, that it automatically changes the dance. Instead of us locking into a battle of wills or power struggle like they might be expecting, we suddenly take a posture of problem solving and a servant heart. We reset the expectation that we are on the same team and are going to get through this together. We also shortcircuit the tantrum because they no longer need to convince us how badly they feel like they need something. A sentence like "I believe you...and we are going to figure this out together" can be helpful here.

2) If we listen well, we often learn new or surprising information. In the sock example, my daughter responded with "the wool ones are too itchy!" and we problem solved, which actually involved her brainstorming solutions of how she could still follow my instructions ("please put your socks on") and our family rule ("must wear warm socks on cold winter days"). I find that kids are often even better brainstormers and problem solvers than adults, and if we let them use those gifts, they can solve things very quickly and creatively. She added a pair of cotton socks under the wool ones and we were out the door in no time.

There is a huge culture of distrust right now all around us, and even adults find themselves communicating in aggressive and desperate ways sometimes (perhaps you've seen an adult tantrum in recent days! ;)). I think we could shortcircuit this in the same way, "I believe you...and we are going to figure this out together." Try it the next time your spouse or another adult in your life seems in distress, in addition to your child. Keep us posted how it goes!