Parenting the Angry or Anxious Child

Anger or Anxiety in Action

"I have thirteen other patients waiting to get poked, so if we are going to do this we are going to do it now," the nurse said to me as my first grader waited to get her IV.

"I'm. Not. Ready." she said.

"Let's just get it over with...it doesn't help anything to let it drag on, that's just going to increase her anxiety."

"I actually think with her it doesn't. She needs some processing time, and for the five other IVs she's had, she's taken a few minutes to take deep breaths and then told us she was ready and been willing to do it. I'd much rather do it that way than force her- I'm not sure we can really successfully force someone to keep an IV in anyway."

A thousand thoughts and emotions whirled through my mind and heart.

Embarrassment. "I'm so embarrassed."

Doubt. "Am I right? Or is this completely the wrong strategy and I'm making it worse? Would it be better to just force her and get it over with?"

Conflict. "Is this whole thing so traumatic that it's impacting her mind and body so severely that it's undoing the good that she's getting physically from the medicine in the IV anyway?"

Anger. "I'm so angry. They forced her to do it once and that's what caused this anxiety in the first place."

Compassion. "This is really hard for a little kid. IVs hurt when I get them, so I believe her when she says her tiny arms hurt like crazy during and after the poke."

Patience. "It is worth it to wait. She will work up the courage. She always does even though it is so hard. She is inching her arm down to the right place which is taking so much bravery and self control since every ounce of her body doesn't want to."

Impatience. "Come on already, kiddo! They are letting us try doing it slowly but we are making it hard for them to do their jobs and they can't wait an hour! If you want an extra minute you need to keep your end of the deal that you are going to take deep breaths for one minute, not 45!"



"I'm so scared. I'm so scared!" she cries out. "My arm is scared! The other arm told it it hurts!"

She looks resistant, arm tucked under other arm and locked in there to keep it safe. But deep down, she is scared to death. It's easy to see in this situation, but so often anxiety takes a "fight" paradigm instead of a "flight" one in kids, and we mistake their anxiety for misbehavior.



False Teaching:
"The worst thing to do with strong willed kids is give in," I overheard someone say to someone else at the gym.

As a therapist, I thought, "That's not accurate, but I know right where they got that advice," thinking back to a popular book that so many follow because they are desperate to control their kids with iron clad wills.

The worst thing to do with strong willed kids is lock horns, or to get into a power struggle. Dr. Michael Popkin says basically and very wisely, that they will ultimately win. They have the ultimate trump card - failing later in life. You can't force someone to succeed. I've also heard several therapists say "The worst response to rigidity is rigidity."

Though it might sound strange, the best way to address a child with a strong personality's need for control is to give them control - within a boundary you are comfortable with. Allow them to earn things that are important to them with a reward chart or with immediate positive reinforcement.

We'll post some follow up ideas soon on some specific ways to empower them in a healthy manner, and other troubleshooting for this issue. Feel free to post your questions on our Facebook page in the meantime!

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