How One Day Can Change Everything

I saw her number calling on my phone and felt it in my gut. Something
was wrong. She never called, always updated me by text, so this must
be urgent.

I answered my phone and heard our babies' birth mom say, "I think I'm
losing them. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." and then go on to describe
what she thought was the start of a pretty abrupt miscarriage at the
bus stop a few minutes ago. I asked if she was okay, and told her that
was just as important to me as the babies. She said she was, that she
had called her doctor and her husband had come home from work to be
with her. I told her I appreciated her call so much and that I'd call
back in a little bit to check on her.

I hung up and was in action mode. I had to do something with our four
year old so that I could process this and make the necessary phone
calls without her overhearing. Oh, how could this be happening? Just
yesterday she was having morning sickness, everything seemed so
normal, so on track, so good in the grand scheme of things. We had
just seen the ultrasound and it was right where it should be.

I texted four friends, "baby miscarrying. Need someone to take big kid
right away so that I can focus on this." One saw it and wrote back
within seconds "got her. Want me to come there and pick her up?" And
"so sorry."

Once our toddler was gone I was overcome with emotion and fell down on
the kitchen floor, a four letter word slipping out of my mouth in slow
motion, long and drawn out and reflecting my inner dialogue of "how
can this be? This can't be! This is the worst thing ever!" To this
day, no words can describe the pain of that news better than that one
long, drawn out, four letter word.

Another friend saw the text and wrote back 20 minutes later, "I'm at
your door. Send me home when you don't want company anymore but
otherwise I'm staying with you until you hear more." She came in,
carrying chocolate, and parked at my kitchen table while I waited for
a call from the OB.

We learned from the OB that it looked like one of the two babies had
miscarried that day, but that the sac was still in there so they
believed the second baby was safe. I was so relieved to get that
news... I couldn't believe my ears. We went to Mexican food that night
with a couple that was our best friends and I could still feel the
adrenaline pumping in my body. I will never forget that day, that
night, that week, when that baby was still with us.

A week later my husband and I knew the second baby had passed as well
when we heard the OB come into the room with the words, "I'm sorry"
(we were on speaker phone). A friend who had taken the day off work in
case we got bad news at the appointment had me over and we drank
lattes together, and bought lattes for the next people in the drive
through (wanting to "pay it forward" with the joy the babies had
brought us in their very short lives by bringing someone else joy on
such a horrible day). I had been fasting from lattes as a way to
remind me to pray for the babies, and it felt terrible to no longer
have a reason to do so. My friend listened to me grieve, grieved with
me, and cared so deeply about my pain that day.

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