Day 8: Peace (Leading our kids toward Jesus by modeling peacemaking)

Jesus surprised so many by showing up not with a political overthrow using strength and war, but instead with gentleness, humility and peace. They were expecting him to conquer through force - after all, he had the power of God - but instead, he led by peace. His willingness to be a servant leader and not engage in power struggles led him to the ultimate victory, and one that will last forever and not just be a short term "umph" that wins the battle.

This is challenging for me because I have a lot of "umph." A lot of my life has been spent finding the balance between my strong passion/"umph" with being a person of peace. Because while I so value passion and energy, I also so value peace and calm and quiet inner strength. I wonder if my daughter would describe me as a peaceful or a passionate person... I'd hope both, but it would be interesting to ask her.

I'm learning both parts of me can exist simultaneously. One of the earliest ways I learned this was distinguishing between peacemaking and peacekeeping.  I'd define peacekeeping as doing everything you can to keep the peace at all costs- sweeping things under the rug, acting like a doormat, not standing up for things you believe in, etc.  I'd define peacemaking quite differently- it's much more active, and involves working through conflicts, problems and injustices, to arrive at a place of real peace (as opposed to pretending things were peaceful all along when they really weren't). I remember learning in grad school that peacekeeping is terrible for our health- it involves stuffing our emotions which is psychologically and even physically toxic for our bodies, and it is toxic for relationships too. Problems can only be swept under a rug in a marriage for so long before they build up and explode- kind of like a ticking time bomb.

But on the other hand, being a peacemaker takes time but helps keep us and others healthy so a bomb never builds up or goes off. John Gottman, PhD, has done extensive research on marriages that last and he says it takes HOURS each week to stay on track in a marriage by working through conflicts, addressing issues as they come up, and staying in close touch with each other. These help us avoid what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse in a marriage: http://www.gottman.com/research/research-faqs/ At first this statistic was very discouraging to me, but I've learned over the years that it actually can be encouraging- if we are willing to put the time in to do it, we can get to a thriving marriage and it will be so worth it. And, as habits and patterns are set, those hours can happen simply as you do life- cooking dinner, going on dates, saying good morning and good night to each other a little more intentionally and with a lot more curiosity about how the other is doing (see http://www.mindfulnessandlove.com/gottman/five-magic-hours/).

This is of course, harder a lot of times in a season of life where you have kids. But, if we are truly hoping to lead them toward Jesus with our words and actions, I think it's crucial. I'll post tomorrow about peacemaking in the context of our relationship with our kids, but for those of us who are married I think it's valuable to think today about our relationship with our spouse since that is such key modeling for our kids and one of the most impactful ways they will learn how to get along (or not) with others. This week I'm going to ask myself, am I peaceful in our marriage (vs short-tempered, quick to anger, impatient, always frustrated)? And is that peace one of peacekeeping or peacemaking? Am I putting in the time to do the latter? And if not, is there a way I can just build that time into our daily and weekly routines so it doesn't feel like extra?