Day 18: Humility
Humility is so central to the character of Christ, "who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage," according to Philippians 2:6. I think humility is hard for parents. To humble ourselves before our children is a lofty task. But I remember growing up some of the most teachable moments for me were when my parents were willing to apologize to me and recognize they'd made a mistake. I want to be the same way with my daughter. To be open-minded and willing to learn and not prideful and convinced I'm always right. To be able to say "I was wrong" or "that's a better idea." To value her and her ideas and not think I'm superior in any way. One way we practice this in our house is by sharing what's important to each of us in conflicts. We learned this actually through a marriage book, "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" which if you ask me, is a must-read. It really delivers on its title.
One of the foundations of the book is a tool called the negotiating tree and it sets a premise that there is ALWAYS a solution to conflict that's acceptable to both parties if you are willing to work hard enough and talk long enough to get there. It's a myth that "it's too hard" or "it's impossible" to find common ground on certain issues. We've found this premise to work in our marriage -- and use creativity even sometimes with doing things like combining conflicts "you get what's important to you in this conflict, I get what's important to me in this other one" to get us both to a place of contentment with the outcome of both. It's very powerful!
We are learning it's just as powerful to use with our daughter and is teaching her great relationship-building skills. We step back and instead of entering into a power struggle with her if she questions a boundary or thinks she has a better idea, we all share what part of this situation is important to us. For example, if she's having trouble getting her shoes on we might take a minute to do this and I might quickly share that what's important to me is "her getting to school on time" and she might share that what's important to her is "to be the one who puts my own shoes on" and at that point we might realize the best solution is to get a different pair of shoes for her to put on since the ones she's been trying are sticking. We both get what's important to us (because neither of us seemed to care about those particular shoes) and start the day with a win-win. The amazing part to me is that 90 percent of the time SHE thinks of the solution...she's getting very good at brainstorming and problem-solving. And, the solution falls within whatever boundary I've set (ie "shoes need to be on in the next 2 minutes so we can leave the house") because the solution will value what's important to both of us.
All this to share, I'm learning humility is key. Because if I just act like it's "my way or the highway" she would miss that valuable chance at decisionmaking and problemsolving and the learning that goes with it. When I watch Jesus and his disciples, he seems focused on teaching them those things, and working through things with them rather than just mandating the answers to everything they come up against. It's very powerful and I want to imitate it so I can point her toward Christ.
One of the foundations of the book is a tool called the negotiating tree and it sets a premise that there is ALWAYS a solution to conflict that's acceptable to both parties if you are willing to work hard enough and talk long enough to get there. It's a myth that "it's too hard" or "it's impossible" to find common ground on certain issues. We've found this premise to work in our marriage -- and use creativity even sometimes with doing things like combining conflicts "you get what's important to you in this conflict, I get what's important to me in this other one" to get us both to a place of contentment with the outcome of both. It's very powerful!
We are learning it's just as powerful to use with our daughter and is teaching her great relationship-building skills. We step back and instead of entering into a power struggle with her if she questions a boundary or thinks she has a better idea, we all share what part of this situation is important to us. For example, if she's having trouble getting her shoes on we might take a minute to do this and I might quickly share that what's important to me is "her getting to school on time" and she might share that what's important to her is "to be the one who puts my own shoes on" and at that point we might realize the best solution is to get a different pair of shoes for her to put on since the ones she's been trying are sticking. We both get what's important to us (because neither of us seemed to care about those particular shoes) and start the day with a win-win. The amazing part to me is that 90 percent of the time SHE thinks of the solution...she's getting very good at brainstorming and problem-solving. And, the solution falls within whatever boundary I've set (ie "shoes need to be on in the next 2 minutes so we can leave the house") because the solution will value what's important to both of us.
All this to share, I'm learning humility is key. Because if I just act like it's "my way or the highway" she would miss that valuable chance at decisionmaking and problemsolving and the learning that goes with it. When I watch Jesus and his disciples, he seems focused on teaching them those things, and working through things with them rather than just mandating the answers to everything they come up against. It's very powerful and I want to imitate it so I can point her toward Christ.
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